Sound familiar? If I cared to count, I’m sure I could find half a dozen or so return posts that contained a resolve, but this one is slightly different. To begin with, it starts with a new feature–The Hectic Zen. This is the feature where I, the Half-Mad Housewife, share what I’ve learned about maintaining calm in the midst of insanity. It’s also unique in that this post is somewhat personal because to explain my new resolve, I have to share a confession that I otherwise might not.
You may have noticed that shortly after it’s last restart, Confessions once again came to an abrupt and grinding halt. The truth is, so did pretty much every other aspect of my life. I stopped writing. My thesis work became drudge work–something that try though I might my focus and interest lacked. Everything seemed pressing. In need of immediate attention.In fact, the only thing I really wanted to do was escape into one fantasy world after another.
The more time passed, the less I accomplished, the worse the feelings of being out of control and under a lot of pressure became. The more pressured and worried I got, the more I withdrew. Vicious cycle, no?
Ultimately, things hit a breaking point, and when that happened, I learned a few things about myself. For one, I’m far too demanding of myself and not nearly accepting enough. I over schedule my “must dos”, held expectations at super human levels, and experienced high degrees of disappointment and discouragement when I failed to live up to them. The only solution seemed to be cut back, try and take it easier, which resulted in more of the same listed above. Play in worlds that don’t exist with worries of insufficient progress and failure ever looming in the background.
That’s a whole lotta hectic and very little zen. It’s draining and everything that you undertake, or don’t, comes with it’s own new set of worries. So, in part at the mandate of my husband and in part out of my own desperation, I undertook a little journey of self-discovery. I learned that I carry too much from my past and that this leads me to set unrealistic expectations and hold myself accountable when I predictably fail.
So here’s the zen. Relax.
That’s right. It’s that simple. I’m learning to not demand so much of myself, perhaps coax a little here and there, but in the end accept what I’ve accomplished as being good enough rather than over-taxing myself and sucking all the fun out of life.
So here’s my resolve. Confessions is back, but as I can manage it and not on a timetable, this time. That’s my way of letting myself off the hook. Let myself create when I’m in the mood instead of trying to force the wit.
So check in from time to time for more Confessions. Cause I’m back. And this time, I’m going to be nice to myself.